10 Things That Will Happen During This World Cup

In many ways, sports are utterly unpredictable. With the combination of injuries, referees, momentum, crowd influence, field conditions and weather, it’s a wonder that anyone would be so bold as to predict what will happen. On the other hand, while the outcome may stay a mystery, there are a few things you can count on. For example: late ’90s baseball stars admitting to steroid use, bad NBA refs, excitable Spanish language soccer broadcasters, hockey players lacking teeth, the idiot running out on the field getting tackled (or tased) eventually and of course the WNBA being incredibly boring. While the following may not be as set in stone as Sheryl Swoopes playing to a mostly empty arena, here is my list of 10 things that will happen during the World Cup in South Africa.

1. Spain or England will not win it (see what I did there), and thus renew their status as the favorites that never win. Both teams have been known for their mid tournament collapses even after entering as heavy favorites, and (at least) one team will keep up their streak. Spain may have quenched some championship thirst with their Euro 2008 victory, but no matter how highly you rate European soccer, Euro is not the World Cup. Nothing but total victory will satisfy either country.

2. There will be absurdly hot Brazilian, Spanish, Dutch, and South African women in the stands.  Just picture those women who you see accompanying rich season ticket holders in US arenas, and then imagine making an allstar team, or shall we say, a national team of the hottest.  There you have the US conglomerate.  Now imagine all other countries are doing the same and sending them to one tournament to sluttily cheer on their homelands.  TV cameramen, keep it on a swivel.

3. Diego Maradona and Crazy Ray (Raymond Domenech) will be fired by their teams after the tournament following disappointing showings. For Maradona, it’s not hard to have a disappointing showing considering Messi may be the world’s best player and Argentina is expected to get to the final (at least in Argentina). As for Domenech, his fate may have been sealed by a poor (and totally lucky/rigged) qualifying campaign and nearly unyielding grumbles from French players. Both coaches have no clue what they are doing, and it is doubtful that their teams will be able to bail them out.

4. Bob Bradley will show less emotion than Jim Caldwell. It’s a given that the USMNT coach has a tough order trying to please the millions of fair weather fans in the US, and being a favorite for the round of 16 will only compound that pressure. While US fans aren’t making Che Guevara style posters of his stoic face like they did with Bruce Arena, his cerebral approach has already brought the yanks to new levels in international soccer.

5. Sportscenter anchors will pretend to know what is going on, but will flub every foreign name during highlights. With every game getting a live ESPN crew, the studio wont even have their soccer specialists in the next room to coach them, and it will show. My advice to the Bristol staff: play 2 hours of Fifa 10 everyday for the next month, oh, and actually watch the games.

6. A team from Africa will not win it all. Cote d’Ivoire (Ivory Coast) represented the best opportunity until EPL single season scoring record holder Didier Drogba went down with a broken arm against Japan in a friendly. Though he may still play, it is likely that the Chelsea striker will lack the physical force that he needs to be effective. Cameroon and superstar Samuel Eto’o now hold the reigns to Africa’s chances, but similar to Ivory Coast, a hard group will dash their hopes early.

7. North Korea and New Zealand will fight for the worst goal differential in losing all 3 of their games. With Brazil, Portugal and Cote d’Ivoire fighting for the goal differential tie breaker, my bet is on North Korea, which should give up more than 10 goals in 3 games. New Zealand may be one of the worst qualifiers of all time (remember the format went from 24 to 32 teams just 3 world cups ago in 1998), but their easier group will help them.

8. There will be vuvuzuelas.  You will hate them.  It will be 10. in. the. morning.

9. Announcers will bend over backwards (no pun intended) to not mention the cuckolding English stars John Terry and Ashley Cole.  While the English tabloids love this stuff, ESPN does not.  Just think of it as the anti-Brett Favre topic.  The totally British broadcasting crews will surely be aware of the story, but don’t expect more than a “former captain, John Terry” comment.

and lastly,

10. You will love every second of every game.